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Jokes
Sept 11, 2021 20:34:14 GMT
Post by Les on Sept 11, 2021 20:34:14 GMT
Clickety Attachments:
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Jokes
Sept 14, 2021 16:28:51 GMT
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Les likes this
Post by Gordon Armstrong on Sept 14, 2021 16:28:51 GMT
After retiring, I went to the Job Centre to apply for Social Security benefit. The lady behind the counter asked for my driver's licence to verify my age. Realising that I had left my wallet at home, I told her that I was very sorry, and I would have to go home and come back later.
She said "Unbutton your shirt."
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said "Silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed my benefit application !
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Job Centre.
She said, "You should have dropped your pants . . . . she might have given you disability benefit, too !"
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Jokes
Sept 14, 2021 16:29:37 GMT
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Les likes this
Post by Gordon Armstrong on Sept 14, 2021 16:29:37 GMT
Once upon a time there were two little skunks named "In" and "Out". They lived in a hollow tree with their mother. Sometimes In and Out played outside, but other times they played inside.
One day In was out and Out was in. The mother skunk asked Out to go out and bring In in. So Out went out and in a few minutes he came in with In.
"My my, Out," she said, "how did you find In so quickly?"
Out just smiled and said, "Instinct."
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Jokes
Sept 14, 2021 16:30:58 GMT
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Les likes this
Post by Gordon Armstrong on Sept 14, 2021 16:30:58 GMT
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out on a date. I know that you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He showed up at my house punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brought me such beautiful flowers !
Then outside, and what was there but a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he took me out for dinner, a marvellous dinner . . . . lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we went to see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much that I could have just died from pleasure!
Then we came back to my house and he turned into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tore off my expensive new dress and had his way with me . . . . twice !"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious ! . . . . so you are telling me that I shouldn't go out with him ?"
Edna: "No, no, no . . . . I'm just saying wear an old dress."
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Jokes
Sept 14, 2021 16:31:35 GMT
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Les likes this
Post by Gordon Armstrong on Sept 14, 2021 16:31:35 GMT
Last week my mother in law, who lives with us, started to read "The Exorcist"
She said that it was the most evil book that she'd ever read, and she couldn't finish it. The next day she went to the beach and threw it into the North Sea off South Shields pier.
I bought another copy, ran the bathroom tap over it and left it on her bedside table when she was asleep.
I don't know why, but she screamed when she woke up !
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Jokes
Sept 14, 2021 16:31:59 GMT
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Les likes this
Post by Gordon Armstrong on Sept 14, 2021 16:31:59 GMT
People setting off fireworks in September is ridiculous . . . . my cat was so scared that she ran up the Christmas tree.
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Jokes
Sept 14, 2021 16:33:25 GMT
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Post by Gordon Armstrong on Sept 14, 2021 16:33:25 GMT
Chinese takeaway: £15.
Petrol to pick it up: £2.
Getting home and finding that they've forgotten one of your containers . . . . riceless 🥴
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Jokes
Oct 9, 2021 10:36:32 GMT
Post by Les on Oct 9, 2021 10:36:32 GMT
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Jokes
Oct 9, 2021 20:44:48 GMT
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Les likes this
Post by Gordon Armstrong on Oct 9, 2021 20:44:48 GMT
I told my missus that the doctor had given me a prescription for daily sex.
She didn't believe me and insisted that I showed it to her.
I duly handed it over and she said "you daft sod . . . . it's for your dyslexia"
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Jokes
Oct 9, 2021 20:45:46 GMT
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Les likes this
Post by Gordon Armstrong on Oct 9, 2021 20:45:46 GMT
It's official . . . . masks do save lives.
A friend was out shopping with his girlfriend while wearing a mask and his wife walked by.
If he hadn't been wearing his mask she would have recognised him.
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Jokes
Oct 9, 2021 20:47:56 GMT
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Post by Gordon Armstrong on Oct 9, 2021 20:47:56 GMT
I bumped into Bonnie Tyler in town.
"Shall we go for a coffee?" I said.
"Yes, sounds good!"
"Ok then, Starbucks?"
"No."
"Costa?"
"No!"
I think that she was holding out for a Nero !
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Jokes
Oct 10, 2021 11:51:27 GMT
Post by Les on Oct 10, 2021 11:51:27 GMT
I bumped into Bonnie Tyler in town. "Shall we go for a coffee?" I said. "Yes, sounds good!" "Ok then, Starbucks?" "No." "Costa?" "No!" I think that she was holding out for a Nero ! 🤡 |
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Jokes
Oct 30, 2021 4:36:06 GMT
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Post by Gordon Armstrong on Oct 30, 2021 4:36:06 GMT
I think that I might have a bath.
Yep.
Just checked.
It's upstairs in the bathroom.
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Jokes
Oct 30, 2021 4:53:02 GMT
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Post by Gordon Armstrong on Oct 30, 2021 4:53:02 GMT
It seems that Alec Baldwin had more shots on target that Utd or Everton last weekend 😉
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Jokes
Oct 30, 2021 11:30:49 GMT
Post by Les on Oct 30, 2021 11:30:49 GMT
It seems that Alec Baldwin had more shots on target that Utd or Everton last weekend 😉 😂 Can’t believe Oley kept his job after that performance. |
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