Jokes

An 85 year-old man went to a brothel. “I would like a girl please,” he said.
“I’m sorry?” said the woman at the reception desk.
“I would like a girl, please,” said the old man.
“How old are you?” said the woman
“Eighty-five,” he replied.
“Eighty-five? You’ve had it mate,” she said.
“Oh, have I?” said the old man. “How much do I owe you?”

😁

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An undercover cop called at my farm in rural Dorset yesterday evening...

“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.

“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.

The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the **** I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this ****ing badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the **** I want, have I made myself clear?!”

I nodded politely, apologised, and went about my chores. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the cop running for his life being chased by my angry bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life.

I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs,

“Your badge, show him your ****ing badge!”

A priest a vicar and a rabbit go to a blood bank, where they were asked about their blood group. The rabbit said "I'm a Type O, I think"

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked,

“Is your Daddy home?"

“Yes", whispered the small voice.

“May I talk to him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk to an adult, the boss asked,

“Is your Mammy there?"

“Yes", came the answer.

“May I talk to her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone the boss decided that he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.

“Is there any one there?" the boss asked the child.

“Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a policeman would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,

“May I speak to the policeman?"

“No, he's busy," whispered the child.

“Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

“Talking to Mammy and Daddy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried after hearing what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked,

“What is that noise?"

“A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

“What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awe whispering voice the child answered,

“The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "Me" 😁

I was going to tell you all a time travel joke . . . . but you didn’t like it !